Still in My "Pregnancy" - But Not

When I was pregnant, experienced moms told me that I would miss being that way when I no longer was.  It was tough to believe them. My pregnancy was an utterly miserable experience from Month One onwards.  I was lucky to have had no medical issues, save my little one arriving a month early.  But the symptoms - dear LAWD!  I was sick constantly.  Sleep? What was that?  I've had better sleep now that he's here - and waking every three hours - than I had throughout nearly all of my pregnancy.

The only good thing about it was feeling Alex move around.  Those brief moments throughout the day and night would make the physical misery worth it.

Yet now, here I am, terribly sad that my little one arrived so early and I didn't get to experience the anticipation of delivery in my ninth month.  There was no real waiting for me. There wasn't any preparation or excitement period. There was the unexpected night of "Hey...what's that water feeling going on down there?" and the arrival at the hospital in which I was utterly clueless.  I even asked the nurse admitting me "What can be done to stop it?"

Her answer: "You give birth. That stops it."

And so I did, about 15 hours later. I was bewildered, scared, not excited at all because I was so worried about his health given the circumstances.  He was OK and needed no breathing assistance ever. But, of course, he had to get out for me to know that. Sigh. I can't really explain this sadness I have well. I guess I'll get over it, but in the meantime, I'm still in my "pregnancy" with one and a half weeks to go.  It just bums me out.
 

April 16, 2007